Some Advice for the President

John Boehner

On Wednesday, the president released a teaser for his #LastSOTU. On Thursday, Speaker Ryan offered some advice to the President on remarks he thinks would go over better. Now, here’s the full version…

It’s great to be here, Congress. You know, I sat down and read the Constitution this weekend. What a document. You guys have a lot of powers here that I thought I had. Turns out I can’t do whatever I want all the time. Anyway, it got me to thinking about a lot of things.

Looking back over the past 8 years . . .

I take it all back. Remember those shovel-ready jobs in the stimulus package? OK, me neither.

Killing coal was kind of nasty. I should have been harnessing America’s abundant resources to have some leverage in the world, not shutting them in.

Israel makes a much better friend than Iran and Russia.                

Oh, and ISIS turned out to be a big deal, after all. I’ll even be so bold as to say that radical Islamic terrorism is a threat to national security. There, I said it.

About that financial crisis . . . I’m not sure the remedies were so good. Dodd-Frank is a crony capitalist’s dream. The Fed is running wild and small businesses are being crushed. You know, I’m starting to think we may have more problems in the financial sector than when I got here. And that’s saying something.

I should have taken better care of our veterans, our police officers, and our military.

In my final year, I want to actually lower taxes, roll back job-killing regulations, protect the sanctity of life, and restore the Constitution to its rightful place in American life. I guess I should start thinking of a plan to defeat ISIS.

I’ve realized that American exceptionalism exists after all, proven to me by the resilience of its people after 8 years under my leadership.

Oh, and can I take back my veto of that Obamacare repeal bill you all sent me last week?

Eh, maybe tune in anyway. Something tells us he might not say that. Or at least tune into the Republican response, given by Governor Nikki Haley.

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