1. Michele Bachmann announced she had introduced the first bill of the 113th Congress, a proposal to:
A) Revisit her Light Bulb Freedom of Choice Act.
B) Repeal Obamacare.
C) Require the media to explain that when she says people should be “armed,” she means “armed with knowledge.”
D) Rename the National Institutes of Health in honor of any one of the “hundreds and hundreds of scientists, many of them holding Nobel Prizes, who believe in intelligent design.”
2. John Boehner began the new year by staving off a right-wing rebellion and getting re-elected to his awful job as speaker of the House. Which of these recent John Boehner statements was in his first address to the new Congress?
A) “Listen, I was born with a glass half full.”
B) “Ifs and ands and buts are like candy and nuts. If that were the case, every day would be Christmas.”
C) “We meet again at democracy’s great port of call.”
D) “We got some of the smartest people in the country who serve here, and some of the dumbest.”
3. Over in the Senate, the No. 2 Republican, John Cornyn of Texas, celebrated by announcing that:
A) “Now that I think about it, we really did go overboard on that filibuster thing.”
B) “It may be necessary to partially shut down the government in order to secure the long-term fiscal well being of our country.”
C) It was time to “stop obsessing about Obamacare.”
D) He was really sorry he once compared gay marriage to having a neighbor who “marries a box turtle.”
4. One of the stars of the action-packed new year’s week in Congress was Vice President Joe Biden, who seemed to be everywhere. However Biden did NOT:
A) Say he sold a fiscal-cliff-ending deal to suspicious Senate Democrats by telling them: “This is Joe Biden, and I’m your buddy.”
B) Confuse the husband of an incoming senator during a swearing-in picture-taking by telling him, “Spread your legs. You’re going to be frisked.”
C) Tell Mitch McConnell he looked like a “cute little old hoot owl.”
D) Greet a muscular soldier with: “If you need any help on your pecs, let me know.”
5. The biggest special election in the new year will be the one for the Senate in Massachusetts, presuming that John Kerry leaves to become secretary of state. Republican Scott Brown, if he plays his cards right, could wind up running for the Senate four times in five years! On that note, Brown has already:
A) Announced that his truck now has 300,000 miles on it.
B) Questioned whether the Democratic favorite, Representative Edward Markey, actually lives in Massachusetts.
C) Told reporters that he was a Republican “only when it comes to money.”
D) Signed up to do a repeat of his 1982 Cosmo nude photo as “America’s Sexiest Middle-Aged Man.”
6. One of the most dramatic sports moments of 2012 occurred at the end of the year when boxer Juan Manuel Marquez knocked down his longtime rival Manny Pacquiao. Just before the match, Pacquiao was visited in his dressing room by a prominent Republican who said:
A) “Hi Manny, I’m Rick Santorum, and I want to tell you about a plot against our families by the United Nations. Also, I can do 50 push-ups.”
B) “Hi Manny, I’m Herman Cain. Do you enjoy pizza?”
C) “Hi Manny, I’m Newt Gingrich and this is my current wife, Callista.”
D) “Hi Manny. I’m Mitt Romney. I ran for president. I lost.”
7. Coming soon in the new year! “Warm Bodies,” a Romeo-and-Juliet romance about the forbidden love between a teenage girl and a handsome young zombie. Zombies are so in! Which of the following was NOT among their achievements in 2012:
A) Starred in a campaign ad created by Nancy Pelosi’s opponent, depicting the House minority leader as the head of a zombie army.
B) Featured prominently in all the Mayan end-of-the-world speculation.
C) Raised the profile of the Kansas Anti-Zombie Militia, whose spokesman told The Kansas City Star this week that a zombie invasion “is more possible than people think.”
D) Figured in Rod Blagojevich’s “at-least-I’m-not-a-zombie” conviction appeal.
8. And there’s an upcoming reality TV series about:
A) An 85-year-old former governor of Louisiana and his 34-year-old wife, who he met as a pen pal while he was serving a prison term for bribery and extortion.
B) Those people in Kansas who are preparing for a zombie invasion.
C) The adventures of outgoing Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner’s return to the private sector. In the first episode, Geithner and Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel take a road trip to the World Economic Forum in Davos.
D) Joe Biden just being Joe Biden.
ANSWERS: 1-B, 2-C, 3-B, 4-C, 5-B, 6-D, 7-D, 8-A